arrggghhh!

aahhhh tension la camni.

kenapa susah sgt na dapat polaroid tu!

dah 3-4 kali die kelua polaroid tp salu je tak sempat.

benci la camni!!!!

Happy Birthday 23rd!

hello old friend.

Happy Birthday 23?

rasa baru lagi prank kau dgn patung makcik tak bersalah tu. dah setahun rupanya. haha. cepat masa berlalu. within one year, everything changes. well, I miss you so much, friend. aku tak jumpa kau lagi dah lepas tu. =(

tade org dah aku na pedajal. tade org dah aku na tipu suruh cari name kueh masa bulan puasa tu. kau ingt tak? aku tak ingt da ape name objek yg aku tipu kau suh kau cari tu. smpai ke bazar ramadhan kau cari kueh tu. haha *ketawa smpai mati*

kau pun dah move on. aku happy tgk kau happy. wish you all the best, Bulat. I know kau da dpt better person now. much more better than before. *blush*

I guess, tak main la dah makcik tak bersalah. more special gift, celebration n the most important thing, the person that beloved, and the appreciation.

love,

old friend.

mental torture

ya, hidup aku sukar sekarang.

susah nak kecapi hidup sebahagia kau.

lepas result smlm, ion-ion negatif mula menjadi kanser memakan cebisan2 perasaan dlm lubuk hati aku. hati sekecil ini bertukar hitam hangus. tggu perasaan ini mati supaya tiada seksaan ini lagi.

seksaan yg tak pernah terlihat. tak pernah selama 6 bulan ini.

bg kau, seksaan jiwa ini adalah tanda dan bukti cinta untuk aku. ternyata, kau telahpun memberi parut kekal ini. sungguh, hampir mati seluruh jiwa ini.

bg kau, aku telah memperbesarkan ini dr sekecil perkara hingga menjadi isu di muka pengadilan. apa yang kau mengerti tentang impian? apa yang faham tentang harapan? ini masa depan aku. aku mengoraknya. ia milik aku sepertimana kau juga.

kejayaan kau. aku tak pernah bercita-cita na berkongsi kejayaan kau dgn aku. apa yg kau faham? erti perkongsian adalah kejayaan yg kita kecapi bersama-sama. bukan kau seorang. itu bukan perkongsian.

aku malu dgn diri aku sndri krn aku memberi lebih sehingga aku menjadi tulang belakang kau untuk berjaya. bahkan aku sanggup kehilangan satu peluang untuk berjaya semester lepas. jenis apa kau ini?

kenapa aku dgn dia dulu tak efek result aku? tp knp dgn kau aku jd mcm ni?

aku benci kau.

good job

hello.

at last, sumenye berakhir. ape yg berakhir?

Kesabaran.

first thing first, thank you to everyone who made my last semester. it seems damn fucking all of you giving big applause to me.

I didn't blame anybody, but this had disappointed me. aku tak salahkan masalah2 yg berlaku, cuma regret membelenggu bila aku terlalu campur adukkan hal peribadi dan belajar. dan hasilnya?

selfishness. why?

ok la, sebenarnye ini tentang result semester lalu. tak cukup terluka aku lalui sepanjang semester, selalu saja jiwa kusut time2 test, quiz. even sehari sebelum paper ketika final pun masih na kusutkan jiwa aku. dan hasilnya?

kau mencanak naek, tanpa kompromi. tahu kenapa aku tak ucapkan tahniah? krn aku ckup terluka. cukup. aku terlalu mengenangkan jasa2 baik kau sehingga aku terlupa tentang masa depan aku. aku terlalu menghormati kehendak dan perasaan kau sehingga aku tak sedar bahawa hilang itu akan berganti. dan hasilnya?

aku mempertikaikan. ya, aku akui. mengungkit? soal masa depan harus diungkit supaya kita sama2 sedar. keseronokkan yg kita cipta akhirnya memakan diri. mana istilah SAMA-SAMA selama ni? kau hilang.

serba sedikit memberi kesan terhadap diri aku. terlalu asyik dgn perkara yg kita bole miliki. perkara yg kita boleh cipta. tp apa rasionalnya jika kau kaitkan dgn masa depan? kita masih belajar. masih mentah. peluang tidak menyebelahi aku.

aku cemburu. sungguh.

aku cemburu dgn kejayaan kau sedangkan kau yg mengheret aku ke dlm kehidupan sukar ini. dgn reaksi mereka2 yg tak pernah senang dgn aku selepas aku hadir dlm hidup kau. ape tindakan kau? kau hanya tutup mata. serius. aku kecewa secara seluruhnya.

kenapa aku genggam angka 3 sebelum ni? kejatuhan mendadak ini tak membuatkan aku hidup selesa. jgn tanya kenapa aku masih seolah2 tiada apa berlaku. bkn aku tidak mengendahkan, tp aku dah terbiasa menutup lopak mata sndri di depan kau. krn kau batu. tiada perasaan.

aku cemburu lagi.

bila semua org update status ttg kejayaan yg ditempa. peningkatan. angka 3. aku? aku hnye membaca satu persatu. peduli kah kau? pedulikah? aku silap kerana terlalu menjaga hati kau. knp aku beri kau peluang utk berjasa pd aku? krn dgn itu, kau menjadikan ia tiket utk aku rasa bersalah.

kekecewaan bergolak, gundah gulana. hebat. rencah2 manusia berhasad dengki. gangguan emosi berterusan sehingga aku tidak lg sekuat dulu. hairan krn aku telah mencipta aku yg baru; Fazreen Si Penyabar. air mata yg kau kesat, yg kau lihat, kau dgr kerana result ni, itu hnya cebisan perasaan. sepanjang perjalanan pulang, aku tak henti memohon agar aku takde lg di sini. agar kau tak bertemu lg dgn aku.

aku kecewa. apa yg kau faham?

aku masih bersyukur tiada subjek repeat. tp epik yg kau cipta buat aku hilang. aku hilang dlm diri aku sndri. seakan2 ada ketidakadilan di sini. berada lah di tmpat aku. sedih, marah dan cemburu mengatasi segala rasa sebenar aku. terima kasih krn buat aku tersenyum. senyum palsu bodoh. kau terlalu bodoh utk mendalami keadaan itu.

tawa kau, riang kau, nafsu kau adalah meraikan kejayaan kau. tp tidak aku. tidak sama sekali. apa salah aku pada kau. sedarkah kau? aku masih ingin lihat kau berjaya walaupun hati aku sakit. kau beruntung. kau sgt untung di atas kebodohan aku. aku bodoh.

terima kasih krn terlalu byk berjasa pd aku. bg kau, itu memadai. bg kau aku tidak perlukan masa hadapan. aku tidak perlukan kejayaan. yang penting, aku melengkapi hidup kau. kau terlalu pentingkan diri kau sndri. haloba.

rasa menyesal tidak pernah hilang. sekarang beritahu aku, siapa aku sebenarnya pd kau.

bole sayang aku tak?

sepi lah. bosan hidup mcm ni

tatau kenapa.

new bag, new home. life's begins.

photoblog again and again. actually I just can't remember when was the last time I'd uploaded such photos in my blog. coz u know why? I'm waiting for this moment. the bag! that handbag la freak!

this is the bag. u know what, aku craving gile dgn handbag ni since da 2 kali aku kelua masuk kedai momoe ni. masuk je tp tak beli2. sentap gile kot. masuk kedai utk tgk2 aje. smpai satu moment, aku habis saba dah. nah, dpt jgk. hiks.

it was an epic since first time aku nampak handbag ni. everytime blk uma, mesti argue ngn my lil sis like "yela ina dpt sume bende"; "why laa always ina here, ina there. its all about ina" and bla bla bla.

such an issue coz dorg da pegi shopping 3 kali without me and this little spoil brat asek dpt brg2 instead me. so jd issue la kan. sampai satu masa, aku givap. I keep my mouth shut.

mak bapak mane yg suke tgk anak2 die muram mcm ni kn. I mean dorg menyampah kot tgk muka aku muncung je stp kali sebut pasal stuff yg adik aku ada. yelah, she's just 14 but able to wear fashionable things like handbags, selendang cute2, baju, cardigan, not even me.

when I was 14, I'm wearing stupid brand and know nothing about trend and fashion. believe me. but I'm not going to upload my old pics. its gambar HINA u know. hahaha :D

so that's it. puas hati aku dpt handbag ni. dunno why bag ni jd impian sgt. pdahal byk lg design2 laen. its a kind of na mereward diri sndri la kan. na harap org appreciate kite, tak dapek la jek.

handbag ni dpt beli dikesempatan cuti2 ni suppose ade kt bentong then dpt chance pegi KL kamis hri tu. haa. sabtu baru start pindah. sambil2 sibuk pindah2 barang tu, pegi beli dan belah jap kn. ape tu bak kate org, sambil nyelam minom air. haa kerlas kau.

talking bout pindah memindah, tetttterettette *chime sound*, I've got my own little heaven now. hahaha. rumah sewa at puncak alam, completely decorate. ade katil, ade meja study, ade almari, ade rak. gituh. tggu some add-on later like goldfish and some mammals. haha. mcm zoo plak.

and special thanx to my all-time-fav biscuits, muizz,gani and wadi. especially my little creature, muizz. huahuahua. you've helped me lots. dr pindah, punggah, pasang and everything. thanx syg. tatau na bg upah mcm mane. tak terbalas jasa-jasamu. terharu tak? haha.

for serious, that day was extremely exhausted. imagine, its in level 4. tanak tggi plak penthouse tu kan. nampak kurus tak aku? haha. but, fun sgt. sbb ramai2 dtg tlg eventhough me and muizz da penat sehari dua b4 sabtu tu. dgn little bit argument sbb tak dpt sewa lori and some conflict between all of us. sume tanak komitment kan. na senang je sume.selfish. haa.

luckily setel sume dgn dpt van percuma ihsan fara's uncle. tp 2-3 trip la. muizz bwk van. imagine, tiny little darling bwk huge van and its like, my dear... smpai ke kaki? hahhaaha. but never underestimate. he's always a hero.

smpai ke mlm pindah randahnye. kesian wadi n muizz kene angkut maha berat punye peti ais. T_T. and trust me, puncak alam never be the same like s.alam. its dark, eerie. its like jalan2 dlm cite pontianak indonesia. jln die gelap gile. lampu jln pun mau tamao je ade. besides, jln pun lubang sana lubang sini, bukit here and there. but my homie, still the best. buat masa ni la.

I've got my own space, ade hall yg luas, ade tv, ade masin basuh, ade fridge cuma takde dapur masak. thats the one yg sedang dipertimbangkan either its necessary or not. overall, its completely awesome. but unfortunately, I forgot to capture my little heaven. later on after I've got my final exam result. I'm nervous. damn fucking nervous.

exhausted week ends. thanx best buddies little cookies, muizz, wadi, gani and fara.

that's all. wokey tengkiu *skrip kuch2 hota hai lagi*

bye Shah Alam

today, I'm leaving shah alam. blok 48.

that house reminds me of you. Always.

I will miss you so much.

I miss you, Arul. indeed.

Thank you so much.

materialistic? naaa...its a gift!

nice! but... kotornye!

ok2, I've got a pair of pumps shoe. its like flat but..hmm later on la describe. aku bkn na jual kasut. smlm ternampak that shoes and its like... "whoa..ni kasut bundle ke?"

so, aku decided utk basuh die smlm. eventhough aku tau pumps shoes mcm ni kalau basuh konfem tapak tak tahan lame. by that time, konfem jd mulut kt depan die skali kn. stp langkah, ternganga2 la kasut tu. well I guess, semua org penah melaluinye. kasut kalau kene air cmtu la jadinya. unless we're wearing kasut Phua Chu Kang.

mase tgh sental2 tu, biase la kan. feeling sorg2 dlm bilik air and reminds me of something. it happened when I was in Sarawak. that time aku tgh cuci my sport shoe. sport shoe cap XiangXiang. for serius. aku beli rm20 sepasang. na pakai buat lasak2, pegi kawad kesatria katanya.

then, my ex si taufiq call but aku tak jwb. he got angered and text me. "why dont pikap my call la and bla bla bla". derhhh. bongok betul tak bole saba. then bila jumpa I told him that I was sibuk gila sental kasut sukan dlm toilet.

mebi sbb die terlalu kaya n dont knw wht to do with his bed of money, he brought me to parkson kuching and verangan na belikan aku sport shoe puma. but at that time, I love more my XiangXiang shoe. *bodonya aku*

after argued for a moment, he obeyed. ok pasrah mungkin sbb gepren die bodoh tanak kasut puma. trust me, mase aku type post ni, I was damn regret sbb tak amik kasut tu. nice shoe, blue color as I remembered. same goes to vincci handbag. mcm na gila die na belikan, but I refused. coz its too expensive. rm150 tu mahal sgt bg aku. but bg die mcm rm50 je kot?

but the stories didn't end yet. weekend tu, ada bungkusan sampai and I've got to take it kat HEP. duk ostel kan. segala bungkusan kene sign and isi form kat HEP. yeaarite whteve.

aku tgk2, aitt address pengirim dr sarawak? wth? da tak bole bg by hand? kene post? such a waste. aku bkak, see. I told you. to be honest, my ex si taufiq ni very lovable person and always dgn surprise yg damn fucking romantic. but as I told you, he's already be an EX.

he really don't like jimat2 dlm benda2 yg buat kite comfortable. it happens several times when aku na cari gam kasut sbb na fix kasut, aku cuci kasut sbb kasut koto sgt2. aku na jahit baju sikit sbb ade koyak ke. die tak suka kerja2 cmtu. bg die, once broken consider byebye. beli baru. and it spoiled me. BUT, I'm not such materialistic. I've been told to appreciate things including person unless barang tu da rosak sgt. org rosak pun aku get rid jugak! hiks.

pap! I was shocked. tersental kuat plak pump shoe ni. ouchhh. mmg na hampir ternganga da pun kasut tu. enough sental. I turn to kasut lg sebelah. sental punya sental, it reminds me to my another ex.

kalau arul, die asal bole. kalau bole cuci, cuci lah. sbb he knew me so well. coz he's just like me. jimat. for us, jimat is not kedekot. its a thrill. its like, kasut koyak, I will asked him to bring me to shop and beli gam kasut. then he helped me to fix the shoes.

mcm ade skali tu beli2 baju, baru perasan baju tu koyak. not koyak la, getah lengan die putus kat dlm. so, kalau taufiq mesti die suruh hantar kedai or beli je baju laen. but to him, die ade suggest hantar kedai gak. but aku na jahit sndri. sbb na pakai cepat. HAHA. for me, thrill jahit sndri tu an effort to show how much I appreciate that things coz he bought that dress for me.

and trust me, he was so excited to know the progress. hahha. and I was so excited to tell him that I was succeed fixed it! hahaha. nampak mcm bodoh kan? tp moment tu special sgt. tu yg buat kami serasi kot? but to be honest what I missed bout him, die tak lokek.

die tau aku jenis jimat as well as die. and die tau jgak aku jenis syg barang as well as aku syg die time tu. but when it comes to new things, die takkan bising wlpun die tau aku ade kasut yg byk, aku ade handbag yg byk. if aku like sumthing, he will buy for me. immediately sometimes.

arul mmg tak pandai langsung surprise. but its ok for me coz he knew what I liked, and he bought it. that was a surprised for me. and trust me, if he know aku basuh kasut ni, mesti die tnye bersih tak kasut tu. hahah. but if I ask for a suggestion for new shoes, I mean I will buy it by myself. without regret, he will buy for me. and same goes to such handbag. if he knew I loved that pattern of bag, he will buy coz he knew that its worth to buy for me coz aku sgt gunakan barang2 aku wlpn bag or kasut aku byk. but, worthy la die na beli ape yg die mampu. kikis ke? tak kan...sbb aku tak mintak.

then aku tersentak lg sekali. sudah menyental. both dah jd ex da pun. tersengih2 aku basuh kasut ni. smbil bilas, my eyes rolling when remembering my latest, muizz. I don't want to put any perception towards him coz.. ahh just give him chance to show himself. he might be full of surprise. or might be do nothing. or anything else. aku btul2 dah tak peduli lg da how my partner do. its more satisfied when doing things by my own.

but from my eyesight, he's a good person. always by my side. eventhough tak berapa na romantic. huahuahua. he's more to friend side-to-side. it takes time. I understand that.

masa jemo kasut tu pulak, I was wondering. is it suitable dgn handbag momoe yg aku tgk smlm. ouch, da dua kali aku ke kedai momoe tu, survey the same handbag but its still there. nowhere. then I closed my eyes, how I wish to have it. sikit je masa lagi. dpt duit tu, aku na beli handbag tu. tanpa kompromi.

at this stage, everything will be buy by myself. no more gift. aku jd benci dgn hadiah. coz I don't believe in things call gift anymore. coz I know, I will never get it anymore. Gift, is a lie. people said, "I'd give you a gift coz I love you, I appreciate you". but, people come and go. where are their promises? where are their appreciation? they still left us. but tak salah menerima kan? menerima ni kind of appreciation jugak.

its worth to buy by urself, trust me.